In conclusion...

A lot of people want to know what I've learned from my travels. I think, more often than not, what they're really seeking is some soundbite of what the Real World is. That, my friends, I definitely have no idea about. When people ask me where I went, I struggle with the answer, because, honestly, did I really go anywhere? I don't say that I have traveled; I'd prefer to say I've visited, in the same way that you visit a distant relative and leave the next morning without any idea of who they are. But, if you are interested, and can make anything out of it, here is a recent email that I wrote to my friend and travel buddy Maya, on how I find returning to Seattle. Also, look for another post in the next few weeks about my last tumultuous week on the road.

It's really, really strange to be back in Seattle, jumping back into a life I can barely remember and a little frightened at how easily some of my old, static patterns return to me. Traveling for so long unavoidably changed me, of course, but some of the things I hoped to overcome just snapped back into place. I get overwhelmed so easily! It's so easy to lose track of the things I discovered were important, so easy to ignore the present in the constant pressure to focus on tomorrow's paper, next week's obligation, next year's situation. There's the constant pressure to party and be my old self, yet my constant desire to transcend all that and focus on what's important to me: the feeling of sun in my hair and earth in my fingernails, and the sound of leaves rustling in the unchanging happy and unworried breeze... and what does this result in? An underlying loneliness that has nothing to do with how many people I'm around or who likes me. A classic existential quandary.

But more or less, day-to-day, I'm doing quite well. Actually, I've never been better. And just the ability to feel such complexity is a great gift that I treasure, even while I hate it. But being back in school is a mixed blessing. I love the intellectual challenge and have that renewed burst of enthusiasm for school and studying that I was hoping for, at the same time that I resent being here, forced by my ever-growing to-do list to step out of the present and feel anxious. I'm not a free agent anymore. It's a hard pill to swallow, knowing what's important to you and the steps you want to take to achieve it, yet knowing simultaneously that school is something you have to do, now. I guess. I forgot how frustrating not being on your own schedule is, which constantly leaves me thinking petulantly, "war and deterrence? really? how does this honestly relate to inner peace?"

By the way, I really really enjoyed your last email. And all of your other emails, too. You're such an amazing creature. What you were saying was a great addition to this inner dialogue and conflict I've been having recently about travel, as two of my friends have received the bonderman (20,000$ to travel for 8 months or more continuously by yourself), and I've been so conflicted about whether or not I ever want to travel again. A large part of me says, NO! That soul ripping loneliness is not worth it, don't don't DONT put yourself through that again! But then something else pipes up, something fed by all my friends who are traveling and write me messages and all the bonderman blogs I've been reading, the same something that compelled me to go on this trip even though I couldn't elucidate my reasons, which says, oh actually....might be a pretty good idea. You know you love it. You know that loneliness, that suffering, if taken in overwhelmingly large quantities, is the only thing that can burn up everything else that's unimportant: your ego, your thoughts, all those extraneous bits of you that get in the way of your peace. Yeah, it's a contradiction to put yourself into the midst of confusion and frivolity and waste and ignorance in order to solidify their opposites within yourself. But hey, kid, if you've discovered one thing in the world, it's that contradiction reigns supreme.

Hope that answers your questions. Certainly doesn't answer mine.

Signing off,
S